Berlin-October

Wispy winds weather the beaten grass
Leaving a fingerprint of lifeless love
A heart that has been broken by too many misgivings
Taken against his will, his countenance offers narrative, legend
As a purveyor of transcontinental goods he offers the world peace
He listens to the wind as it shapes his nostalgia with it’s cold reach

Heliotropes in the morning; are thoughts he once had.
The smell would drift in and give him green-blue recollections of times past

He is snapped back by the deafening sound of isolation.
His pain and misery is patterned against the white backdrop of redundancy
His eyes are cold in their sockets as he searches back and forth for hope
He is remiss as of late concerning careless words he has used
To be able to shelter his anger for one moment in particular would allow him to pass
With peace…

“May the mountains spread before him allowing warmth and truth to light his path. May the winds of perdition cease their ardent howl. Let mercy’s love trickle to his lips allowing him to nosh for sustenance’s sake.”

How long it has been since love has lost?
It has not won-out here, and the thought that it would was full of deficit.
So many questions and so little answers
As you lose yourself in the recess of your mind’s eye
Playing over and over the conversations and shared candid moments.
You begin to lose hold of your sanity
Accepting the depravity of the situation as a way of life
It just plain doesn’t work for me…

Iron and Wine and everything fine!

So, I saw Iron and Wine or more accurately Sam Beam last night at Wheaton College. A truly incredible concert--this guy makes my tingle, but in a completely straight kind-a-way (I think). He magically played his set with the ease of a folk prodigy from a distant land flowing with inspiration and hemp. But I digress. Sam introduceed himself at the beginning of the show and said that he was asked to refrain from cursing during the show. He said that he told the powers that be that he would try his best, but his songs have elemental traces of these forbidden words. I thought it odd that a Christan college would invite an artist that obviously doesn't agree with their theology, and in inviting him asking him to refrain from using his freedom of speech while on their campus all the while ignoring that it was this freedom that they must have enjoyed whilst spinning his album before inviting him. Sigh, the odd, illogical idiosyncrasies of the church. But an amazing show nontheless!

22% remaining

I have just under a quarter of a battery left, and so I thought it would be perfect time to make a blog spot on the internet.

Life rolls on as it always does. I'm still here in the Midwest, and experiencing the highs and lows of healing from past wounds. It's so hard sometimes to truly forgive those you just want to shake until they scream... I've had some burning in my belly to act as of late. I haven't had this feeling since college, and the desire is as strong as ever. I'm in a production of Our Town here in Sept., and for the most part it's going well. I'm looking forward to getting involved with theatre in the city. Who knows I just might make it as an out of work starving artist-actor made burger flipper at Red Robin, Joy!

12:49

Okay, so its 12:49 and i'm at work, and I was viewing the last time I actually made an entry. I was very surprised at how long ago it was. So right now at 12:49, i'm making a promise to write more, for my own sanity!

David

Tonight I find myself scrolling through so many websites
Trying to find something that will make sense
But this is just a moment where I can just distract my physical body
As thoughts just kept pouring into my head from the years events
As if I was watching the year in review on television
I remember one in particular as I was sharing my life and all of its messy facets with one community in particular
It didn't seem to matter much as the whirlwind of chaos insued mostly over a disagreement in social etiquette and beliefs
Oh how I wish things played out different
You see that is the kicker really, trying to find that line, that crappy fine line, and live in it
That line that says this is mine, and that is yours
I can't take what is yours for you have to own up to that, as you are a viable human being who causes damage
My heart aches at the thought of losing that community that I grew up in, but that is not my decision anymore
For it is out of my hands and in the realm of time
Time, is such a bastard of convention, loved by those who are waiting for that last five mintues to be up so that they can leave work
And despised by those who are waiting on their results to see if this will be the last Christmas that they'll get to experience
Before placing their chips on their esoteric beliefs
But I digress...
So many words in discussion and arguement as to whether they're right or i'm the one who might have a little bit of a better vantage point
I often think of David, a King who had so much in his life
Blessing of his Father in heaven, promised lineage, a legend in his own time
But his true legacy was left behind in his writing
As he displayed the heart of one who was breaking for his transgressions and inevitably the deficits of those around him
His words portrayed a man who wanted connection to something greater than himself
He was confident of what this was, but had the damndest time living in it
Oh grace a positive repercussion of the fall
Lands on all of us in this Idyllic time
Where technology seems to know no bounds and science ever grasping for the heavens to usurp His crown
David, only wanted grace...
At, 12:09am I long for grace, I reach for heaven not with hands seeking to destroy and conquer
But hands bloodied by my own self-defeat
Hands that have known spiritual blood-shed three lifetimes over
Grace is the only thing David longed for, and in this time that is saturated with it
I can't seem to find it
Especially from those who say they have it to give...

Triplets, Double-Cheeseburgers, and Church

I found myself on Tuesday an uncle three times over with my 21 y/o sistah giving birth to triplets. This will make six kids total for her, "May God help her." So needless to say i've felt fairly surreal all afternoon. With my mind racing thinking of all those bottles, crappy diapers, and crying...I found myself having a late second dinner with my best friend at Burger King where you can get one of those heart stopping, gastrointestinal disrupters, the quad stacker. After ordering my large meal I over heard the cashier talking about how a disgruntled customer was blocking the drive-thru because they were dissatisfied with their order; I blew it off. As we were leaving I noticed that they were outside arguing with the police (BK called them) because they didn't get the right order, and the store wouldn't give them their money back. It looked like a mother and daughter duo straight off springer. The "mother" who we will call scary big lady from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, because she looked like the scary big lady from Texas Chainsaw Massacre (we'll call her Chainsaw for short). Well Chainsaw was yelling at the cop, "What about my double cheeseburger?" The cop seemed like she was slipping into vacation land where she was thinking of her planned trip to the Keys with her internet boyfriend "Dale." As I was getting into my car I was thinking really disparaging thoughts about Chainsaw. I thought that she was just another welfare case with a pregant 13 y/o daughter. But I found myself wondering later if anyone has ever taken time out to listen to her. I'm not saying to hear her, the cop was hearing her, but she was not listening. I mean to truly invest yourself in this person so much that you actually care about what they are saying. I know the cop has heard it a million times before, and knows what kind of situation this is and can probably even guess where this women lives by her demeanor. But I wonder if this woman has ever had anyone invest time to listen to her, that wasn't attached to a paycheck. I know that my sister hasn't, I have failed her in so many ways and this is one of them. I haven't listened to her in so long. I believe one of the reasons that she has had six kids is because she is searching for someone to listen to her and tell her that its going to be okay, something that should have been done long ago. I think the church has lost the art of listening, and understanding. Sometimes the best ministry is spent just crying with someone, consoling them or just listening to them rant. And the reason that it is so important is because they are worth it, and they need to know that. We as individuals need to stop ignoring, and start investing regardless of the price. We as Christian's use our own self-serving version of "spirituality" to assuage our fears that we are the ones that are truly being ignored. There is a good chance that this woman could be crooked deep down, but so aren't I, it doesn't matter how crooked you are, it matters that you were created. I wish that if the circumstances were different--that I could go back and strike up a conversation over a quad stacker. Jesus came and died for people like her and me!